0 Ups and 10 Downs of Man United 1-6 Tottenham

Every time you think it can’t get worse it, it somehow does.

Manchester United Football Club has fallen to their most embarrassing defeat in the club’s recent history perhaps even their entire history and with the absolute destruction of a transfer window to accompany the on pitch disasters, the feeling around the 13-time Premier League champions is of deflation and embarrassment.

The game started so well with Bruno converting a penalty won by Anthony Martial and us fans, albeit naively, thought that fortunes were changing at the club. How wrong were we?

Talk about the floodgates opening, I think they were fully destroyed out there today. And the worrying thing is, it’s not a freak result.

Let’s do the deed and jump into this article of many many downs.

DOWN – WAN BISSAKA WITH A DEFENSIVE CALAMITY

It’s been a calamity start to the season for Aaron Wan Bissaka who hasn’t looked the same since lockdown. Today was just more evidence to suggest Wan Bissaka can’t cut it at the moment no matter the strength of the opposition. We always knew Aaron was more of a defensive player than an attacking one, but Tottenham exposed his many weaknesses in his own half. His usual die-hard attitude was non-existent today and was an easy target for Son and the rest of the Spurs side.

DOWN – ERIC BYE-E

When Victor Lindelof dropped a stinker of a performance against Crystal Palace, most United fans were preaching about Eric Bailly going into the side, and I for one was in that majority, but now that Lindelof display on the opening day looks like a defensive masterclass. I don’t think words can describe the utter disgrace the entirety of the defence was today and Bailly was one of the main culprits of that criminal display. He was just so lacklustre in everything he tried. Our so-called lord and saviour was the devil in disguise for the Red Devils however not as bad as one 80-million-pound captain. Strap yourselves into this one……..

DOWN – CAPTAIN, LEADER, SLABHEAD

I can sit here and insert joke after joke about Harry Maguire so called defensive performance and if in any other situation then I would but that collective display from everyone has dejected any form of comedy out of me. To start with the first goal, Maguire decides four minutes into a Premier League match that he’d play an impromptu game of volleyball with that 5m diameter head of his and walks Ndombele to his first Premier League goal of the season like he’s an old lady crossing Oxford Street in rush hour. The rest of the goals he was either slow as a snail’s funeral or was as far out of position as Nemanja Vidic and he left the club over six years ago. Honestly, I can say that was the worst performance I have ever seen from a defender and I’ve watched a lot of David Luiz. In addition to his diabolical game, he was yet again silent as captain of the biggest club in England. That was the worst result in the club’s recent history and our captain kept his mouth shut as he watched the team he captains collapse around him. Serious questions need to be asked.

DOWN – A TELLES OFF FOR SHAKY SHAW

In what could go down as the weirdest timing ever, Alex Telles was all but confirmed 30 minutes before kick-off and providing he doesn’t turn his back on the club, and I wouldn’t blame him if he did, he replaces Luke Shaw without doubt. In comparison to other defenders, Shaw had an average game, but we don’t live dealing with comparisons and Shaw was another player that had a disgraceful game. The first goal he should have cleared before being man muscled to the floor by Harry F’ing Maguire and then every chance he had to tackle, he failed to do so. Another weak performance from Luke Shaw and with Telles coming in, his backside must be twitching like a rabbit’s nose.

DOWN – TAKING THE D OUT OF CDM

If truth be told, I can’t identify many things Nemanja Matic did today which either shows my disinterest as the game grew old or Matic’s vacant display. He was just nowhere to be seen and on occasion when you did see him, it was his back as he was running back after a Spurs player eased past the Serbian. He is usually Mr. Reliable but today he dictated a absolute ghosted midfield performance.

DOWN – PAUL-ING APART

Paul Pogba is a divisive character and while I think he is a good footballer; I must say I do cringe at the number of tweets shining Paul Pogba to be one of the best midfielders in the world. His price tag and occasional stellar performance might back that argument up but the numerous diasterclasses and laid-back attitude proves that he is in fact just a good midfielder rather than a world beater. He was at direct fault for a couple of Spurs goals today and that penalty was just shear complacency and the fact he laughed as the decision was being made is sickening. I don’t care whether it was a laugh of sarcasm or a laugh of embarrassment, you shouldn’t be smiling and joking after giving away a stonewall penalty to allow your direct Top 4 rivals to score a sixth goal against your club at home. Pogba needs to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror and decide where his head is at because any more games like that and the rest of his fans will turn on him. Embarrassing.

DOWN – A MARTIAL ART CHOP

Erik Lamela is a cheat. End of story of that one. He got lightly slapped on the cheek and went down about a century later like he has just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson all after elbowing someone in the throat which I’m sure is a criminal offence anywhere other than the football pitch. With that being said, Martial knows the rules and shouldn’t have lashed out at the Argentine and let his team down. Not to mention the fact he has slapped himself into a three-match ban which means we will see our mega wage player, superstar signing Edinson Cavani leading the line against Arsenal and other top teams. I can’t wait.

DOWN – SOLSKJAER SLUMS TO SIX

Before this entry, I’d like to state that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is as much a victim of how this football club is run as each and every fan is and I am Ole In but I understand that his job is hanging in balance and that is of no fault of his own. With all that being said, you don’t lose 6-1 without at least some of it being on the manager. The players needed some sort of in game coaching today like a bunch of seven year olds playing Sunday League football and Ole couldn’t provide that and that’s why he is a down. To say he is tactically inept is a much as insult to Pep Guardiola, Jurgen Klopp, Jose Mourinho and Frank Lampard as it is to him because a tactically inept manager doesn’t beat Man City three times, Chelsea three times, Tottenham once and get a draw out of an almost flawless Liverpool side in which he did last season however his in game management is an area for improvement and if you are looking for an example of that in game management then look no further than….

DOWN – TO SUB OR NOT TO SUB

Ole’s substitutes have come under fire multiple times before but today was maybe a step too far. When I saw that number 18 in red digital ink on that sub board, I nearly threw up. Bruno was the only player who looked like he cared out there and he was subbed at half time leaving Paul “let’s screw this game up” Pogba on the pitch. I have no words to explain that baffling decision. I understand its damage limitation at that point, but Bruno is the most creative player in our ranks and he should not of being subbed. Maybe he’s resting Bruno for the next United league game in two god damn weeks. Disappointing from Ole.

DOWN – A DISGRACE OF A BOARD

I don’t know what there is left to say that hasn’t already been shouted from the rooftops of every United household in the world about these incompetent fools who run this amazing club like a university business project. Ed Woodward had the nerve to show his hated face in the stands today every time the camera panned to the clown; I fell into an instant tank of depression remembering that he is head of transfers at United. There would be some consolation knowing the Glazers are crying at these utter shambles, but the fact is they probably didn’t know the club they are running was playing and when told United lost 6-1 they asked who the hell are Man United. How the best club in England can be run as a circus is beyond me and the scary thing is, there are no signs of this stopping. If any multi billionaire happens to stroll across this article then please buy Manchester United Football Club, you can’t do much worse than those idiots upstairs.

Look, it’s time to forget about that game and turn our attention to what will hopefully be an exciting and nail-biting deadline day which will ultimately end in depression just like everything else does with this god forsaking football club. One day we will wake up from this horrifying nightmare.

Leave your rants and rages in the comments below and stay tuned for all the latest United news on the Flying Pig United website.